DWP Lurker was a satirical daily news outlet for Design Week Portland 2014. We delivered irrelevant and snarky news in print, stepped on lots of toes, and skulked about anonymously throughout the week. In collaboration with Zack Franceschi, Bryan Zentz, and other wonderful guest illustrators & writers.
MID-WEEK SNACK REVIEW
When did salsa die and hummus become king? Now that I got that out of the way, Monday and Tuesday’s Open Houses did all you Wednesday and Thursday Open Houses a huge favor by testing the snack waters on our ultra-picky palates. Let’s give them a round of applause as well as a harsher-than-necessary critique.
HQ was a bonafide food desert, but I did enjoy myself half a creamy Stumptown cold brew in a carton. What’s the opposite of needing to wash it down? I needed to wash it down, but, like, with food. [This just in: apparently I missed the wasabi peas].
Next stop was PSU’s A+D Open House, who, in true college fashion, presented a spread of Domino’s Pizza (only cheese and pepperoni as far as I could see) as well as an assortment of VooDoo Doughnuts. Domino’s is what it is. VooDoo Doughnuts are what they are. A plastic knife would have come in handy for the latter as I only wanted a sliver. Instead I took a bite of each the Cocoa Puffs and Oreo variety and returned it to the box.
Keeping it sophisticated and minimal, Precious Bugarin offered a nice spread of A+ crackers with (ahem) red pepper hummus, and a couple delightful, uhh, how you say, Petit-fours. One was a ball-shaped cream puff and the other was too fancy in shape and flavor to discern. Well done, PB.
Xplane really wowed me with not one but two types of Triscuits, which served as a nice bed for the variety of cheeses. Cheese is where my palate shines, and although all the fancy cheeses were present (brie, chèvre, etc.), I could taste the cheapness of brand. Xplain that, Xplane! What else: tiny two-bite chicken sandwiches that were passable at best, a well-curated cookie assortment, and Peanut M&M’s in a bowl with a spoon, as I prefer them.
The Deja Vu Summer poster show at The Cleaners kept it healthy with a (store-bought) veggie tray accompanied by Ranch dressing. The great offense? The Ranch was obviously low-fat. Hey, Hidden Valley: please don’t fuck with my Ranch. There were also veggie chips with flax seeds. Are you calling us fat? Point Taken.
Tuesday’s first stop was Atelier Ace, whose spread included popcorn and grapes and … that’s it. The grapes were fancy and the popcorn was cheddar. Where they really shined was in the booze category.
Oblation Papers & Press had nada. What up with that? NEXT.
eRoi, eRoi. Why were your mixed nuts parceled in small paper cartons in triple serving sizes instead of plopped in a bowl bulk-style with a spoon? How do you know how many nuts I want to eat? On the flip, the cookies were soft and easy to break into the exact sizes I wanted.
Aaron Rayburn had popcorn (been there, eaten that), but also had Stacy’s garlicky pita chips and chèvre cheese. Should anyone be confused about this, please note: Stacy’s is the only pita chip there is. Please, no other kinds of pita chip.
The Pressure pleased with red velvet cupcakes. If red velvet cupcakes are wrong then I don’t wanna be right, amiright?
And ladies and gentlemen, let’s give it up for Liquid Agency! One word, a few syllables: Salami. How did you know that salami wrapped over a Nut Thin and then cracked in half like a mini inside-out sandwich is literally my favorite snack? Plus there were huge hunks of non-generic brand cheese as well as fruit. Really well-rounded. Thank you, Liquid. Thank. You.
Did you hear that, Wednesday and Thursday Open Houses? We're hungry and fat and comin' for your snax. Please spare us the glorified garbanzo mush.